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Punters fury at news of News of The World ending one year earlier than South American forecasters predicted.

9 Jul

Riots broke out at bookmakers across the world yesterday as loosing punters sought vengeance for hot favourite  ‘Twothousandandtwelve’ losing in the race for news of News of The World’s ending – nearly 6 months before it had started and 18 months before it finished.

It took the Police just over the average response time of 35 minutes to bring the violence under control, as all staff had locked themselves in the back and so were unable to distribute the free £5 roulette vouchers.

Proud winning owner and trainer of the triumphant ‘twothousandandeleven’ Rupert Murdoch declared in a hacked phone message “I’m delighted to finally put the rumours about News of The World’s end being in 2012, I’m in charge of global affairs so I’m not having anyone dictate matters to me, let alone the South Americans Mayan time hacking media group.”

He meanwhile declared personally through his P.A.

“Can you imagine what would have happened if the Mayans prophecy had been allowed publicity until the end of the year and perhaps beyond?

“Do you think people would still be buying the crap we publish – hell no – they’d be out living life to the full and not remotely concerned with our maximisation of other peoples grief!

“This now gives all my other papers space and time to breath so we can re-group and plan – New ways of making people talk!”

Another relieved person was bookmaker Freda Undone; she told us from her Lancashire mansion –

“I don’t understand what all the fuss was about; the punters give me their money everyday, have a good time  and then go back to their wives. Most of them had backed ‘twothousandandtwelve’ quite heavily, I told them they were wasting their money because if it does end in 2012 then there’s a high chance they won’t be able to collect their winnings, never mind spend them.

” Most of our shrewd customers had bet on the winner though, so there’s no question of a betting scam here as I didn’t make a profit out of this, though profits are up presently due to all the smart punters now living abroad  – at least until next year!

A spokesman for the defeated Mayan challenger expressed the whole continents concerns:

“Our future was dependent on News of The World’s end next year! For many years now we have been enjoying ourselves making babies, dancing and chopping down trees, taking class A drugs whilst growing and selling cocaine to help ours and other continents people cope with  News of The World’s end next year – not this year!

“Now that no one has faith in our word, who will even buy our coffee, bananas and pan pipe music CD’s, never mind our cocaine? – when we didn’t even know when news of News of The World’s end would come – we all fear for our future now!”