Archive | July, 2011

Obama : “Yes We Can Do What Ever We Want”

17 Jul

Barack Obama has be hailed “The Hero of the American Dream today”, after ending his truthful and inspiration speech by shouting:

“Yes We Can Do What Ever We Want – Why shouldn’t we give aid to the famine victims, we paid the earth to set it up – so we might as well watch their demise just a little bit longer!!!”

The buoyant mood was due to Americans being drawn back to their TV screen’s to watch blanket coverage of the latest famine victims; due to the  Casey Anthony trial ending in a disappointing N.G..

Obama declared :

“Now that I’ve got you all where I want you, I might as well be honest –

“We’ve realised for a long time now about the threat to our National Security from Lesser Developed Countries, in that they will over populate and so not be able to feed themselves and so put pressure on our resources.

“That’s why we have taken action to fulfil the American Dream; That states :

” Control the oil and you control the nation; Control the food and you control the people” –

“I can now confirm that threat to our nation is decreasing rapidly worldwide, our measures of implementing war and famine have taken care of East Africa.

“They were dammed from the north and west to create the drought and famine, whilst this also dried up the food supply in the river and ocean to the east.

“Our food and flowers supply is not affected in any way though; as they are in irrigated areas well away from areas that will be hit when the dams break.

“Whilst we had our southern friends in Somalia to thank for the on going war to ensure there was no escape for them!”

“Similar measures are being carried out across the globe and on our own lands, though I can’t exactly recommend China’s method of choice – it is very effective and gets the job done, that’s all that matters!

Chairman Hu Jintao’s phone was immediately hacked in to by the NoW replacement:, Sun on Sunday (SoS), who recorded the following in conversation with an ancestor of Ghengis Khan.

“It was looking so suspicious with us building all the new dams in Africa – we were starting to look like the bad guys. Now when the expected earthquakes break the dams and kills half of East Africa they will have to pay us to rebuild them – job for life!

Now that everyone knows their arrogant guilt, lets get in there quick before they are bailed out – Get all your God Dam Mongols together and do what you Mongolians do best to Chinese Walls”

Phone hacking just seems to even things up with the Americans!!!×2578928


Cameron: on control – “Stigmatize infinite population fans like drink drivers”

10 Jul

Hope you're getting as much as me!

British prime minister David Cameron has spoken out about people who don’t believe in population control; by claiming:

“People who don’t promote the education of women as a means of a better society for all,  should be stigmatized just like drink drivers are”

A statement which echoed his speech last month when he called for absent fathers to be stigmatized.

During Wednesday’s PM’s, Q & A session he stated:

“With life expectancy virtually doubling in the last 50 years on these islands alone, how can anyone think that having babies when you are young is a good idea.

“There’s plenty of time for that, just luck at me!

“I’m a prime example of  a virulent British man and I’m in my 40’s, so there’s no need for any young woman to bear fruit early when there will always be someone around to service you – even if that means multiple partners for men like me! 🙂 rah rah rah

The Alpha male’s display came in response to fellow primate, Ed Milliband,  highlighting recent criticism of Sir David Attenborough’s conclusion to his lifes work :

– “Without controlling human population numbers – all environmental issues become impossible to implement” –

Which is being condemned by the Marine Consercation Society as they believe modern technology will soon be able to feed an infinite amount of people!”

The PM’s initial response was :

“It’s getting like deja vu this job; last month I had the military telling me we couldn’t afford to win the war on terror! and this month I’ll give the MCS a similar response – I’ll do the talking and you do the litter picking! Stick to the job you are paid for, otherwise there will be chaos!!

He then ended the debate early and to a round of applause, as no one could think of any criticism in his conclusion of –

“The education of women has to be the priority for every society to help aid every environment, then a majority of them will only have around 2 children when and where they want to – there’s so much to do in life before you are 30 – being a parent is for life –  not for the death of the planet!

Punters fury at news of News of The World ending one year earlier than South American forecasters predicted.

9 Jul

Riots broke out at bookmakers across the world yesterday as loosing punters sought vengeance for hot favourite  ‘Twothousandandtwelve’ losing in the race for news of News of The World’s ending – nearly 6 months before it had started and 18 months before it finished.

It took the Police just over the average response time of 35 minutes to bring the violence under control, as all staff had locked themselves in the back and so were unable to distribute the free £5 roulette vouchers.

Proud winning owner and trainer of the triumphant ‘twothousandandeleven’ Rupert Murdoch declared in a hacked phone message “I’m delighted to finally put the rumours about News of The World’s end being in 2012, I’m in charge of global affairs so I’m not having anyone dictate matters to me, let alone the South Americans Mayan time hacking media group.”

He meanwhile declared personally through his P.A.

“Can you imagine what would have happened if the Mayans prophecy had been allowed publicity until the end of the year and perhaps beyond?

“Do you think people would still be buying the crap we publish – hell no – they’d be out living life to the full and not remotely concerned with our maximisation of other peoples grief!

“This now gives all my other papers space and time to breath so we can re-group and plan – New ways of making people talk!”

Another relieved person was bookmaker Freda Undone; she told us from her Lancashire mansion –

“I don’t understand what all the fuss was about; the punters give me their money everyday, have a good time  and then go back to their wives. Most of them had backed ‘twothousandandtwelve’ quite heavily, I told them they were wasting their money because if it does end in 2012 then there’s a high chance they won’t be able to collect their winnings, never mind spend them.

” Most of our shrewd customers had bet on the winner though, so there’s no question of a betting scam here as I didn’t make a profit out of this, though profits are up presently due to all the smart punters now living abroad  – at least until next year!

A spokesman for the defeated Mayan challenger expressed the whole continents concerns:

“Our future was dependent on News of The World’s end next year! For many years now we have been enjoying ourselves making babies, dancing and chopping down trees, taking class A drugs whilst growing and selling cocaine to help ours and other continents people cope with  News of The World’s end next year – not this year!

“Now that no one has faith in our word, who will even buy our coffee, bananas and pan pipe music CD’s, never mind our cocaine? – when we didn’t even know when news of News of The World’s end would come – we all fear for our future now!”